Let’s continue our personal injury saga that we began last week. After yet another break of a few days, we came back to hear opening statements – more or less what you see in the movies – followed by a few days of witnesses. The first witness was not officially called the King of Slips, Trips and Falls, but in essence he was. This man had more credentials about slips and trips than you, and I’m sure of this, can imagine exist. He has written the code for various policies on construction, he has taught classes, he’s been on TV (specifically his receipt of a national award was televised on 52 stations – that was really too much information!), and he’s board certified by everyone, and he’s run said boards. The jury was thoroughly over-impressed to the point of annoyance.

Similarly, we heard from a very certified doctor who told us in no uncertain terms that the plaintiff broke his nose and that it really, really hurt. What amazed me is how much these guys get paid. $7,500 to appear in court for less than an hour! These specialists show up in court cases all the time and make a huge bundle of money. That’s when I started calculating. If the plaintiff has these two expert witnesses – about $15,000 – the lawyers must be hoping to win a huge payment. Thankfully, the plaintiff doesn’t pay a dime to the lawyer unless they win the case. If they do, the lawyers take a huge chunk of the settlement. Wow – they were hoping to win hundreds of thousands of dollars. And this was for a broken nose and a twisted pinky.

It turns out, we learned from meeting the plaintiff, that he went back to work two days later, then flew across the world to get married. Now, he is able to do everything he was able to do previously – basketball, painting rooms, etc. So, what were we actually going to be paying for?

Regardless, let’s get into the heart of the case – the law of expectations and the riser! Mr. Slips, Trips and Falls had actually developed this ground-breaking (slipping?) theory that accidents occur when what exists in our physical environment is different than what we expect. That makes sense. What didn’t make perfect sense was how that was applied here.

The subway station – it’s the 6 train station on 103rd and Lex for all the NY readers – has a riser before the entrance. It’s a large concrete step that rises above the street. Once you’re on that step, you walk down into the stairwell. Simple enough. The problem is that the street is a hill, so one part of the riser rises a mere 4 inches above the street while the downhill part of the riser towers a whopping 9 inches above the street. Adding insult to injury is that the NYC Subway policy is to have steps be 6-7 inches high. The plaintiff tripped, his lawyer argued, because after he raised one foot a mere 6 or so inches, he expected to raise the other foot the same amount. But, since the rise on the downhill side must rise up further, it turns out that he had to raise it 8 or so inches. The law of expectation was negatively triggered, baddaboom, he trips, baddabing breaks his nose and his pinky. Ouch. Bad day.

We heard this discussed quite a bit. This was relatively interesting. What was not interesting was having the lawyers read depositions to us. Depositions are sworn testimony taken of witnesses before the trial. Lawyers often will try to capitalize on differences between what is said in depositions and during the case. In our trial, the lawyers could not manage to get some witnesses come to court, so the best they could do was read the deposition. Fair enough. But, what made it excruciating is that the reading must be done as if the lawyer’s soul was just replaced with a toaster. There’s no expression or voice modulation whatsoever. The words should speak for themselves. But hearing an expressionless reading  makes you realize how much expression expresses!

Another interesting and somewhat excruciating part of the case was the huge number of objections that were made. It seemed like the lawyers were objecting to each other once every two minutes. I think they were flirting with each other towards the end. They were listening to each other so intently. It reminded me of the way that you need to read LSAT arguments. The tiniest word shift must be noticed.

After a couple of days of this verbal circus the jury finally retired to deliberate. For two days, every time we were asked to leave the courtroom for a short break – as the lawyers argued about something that the kids shouldn’t hear about – we were instructed to NOT discuss that case. Finally we got to tear it up. And within 15 minutes we agreed that the NYC subway was not liable. The law of expectation didn’t make sense – shouldn’t you expect to raise your foot to the same level as the other one, not the same number of inches? And, more importantly, we’re New Yorkers, and we don’t like the idea of people pulling this sort of B.S. in our city. Be careful and look down as you walk on the subway stairs.

The court clerk came in to hear our verdict and prep the foreman on how to make the announcement and told us she was betting that we’d return our verdict in under 10 minutes. She and the judge thought the case was a complete joke, and were quietly e-mailing each other about that during the case. She also told us that cases in Brooklyn and the Bronx, where the juries tend to be less-educated, more often find for the plaintiff in these personal injury cases. I said, “yeah, I don’t want my tax dollars going to this guy,” and apparently I was not alone in this sentiment. While I may not have been alone, I still had to wait. The lawyers had left for lunch and so we were forced to wait yet another hour.

I left very proud to be part of this country’s legal system, but a bit miffed that it was simply as a pawn in a personal injury trial. These trials take a up a huge percentage of our court system’s time (along with drug cases, no doubt). The lawyers seemed to enjoy themselves at least. After the trial ended, I ran into them in the elevator and they were sauced. While we were deliberating, they were drinking together. It was somehow disturbing – like finding out that your divorced parents are actually dating again – but also very reassuring to know that even they didn’t take all of this too seriously.